If Sporting KC Players Were Cleveland Indians Characters In The Movie "Major League"

Also file under: "Yes, I'm really THAT bored with the offseason and realize I'm obligated to write something."

I've been kicking around this idea in my head for a long while that, as my favorite sports movie of all time, I could somehow work the plot and/or characters of the movies "Major League" and "Major League II" into a post about Sporting Kansas City. Mostly, I was always going to do it one way or another, no matter what.

The movies really are brilliant for their time, and filled with a great cast of actors just on the cusp of hitting it big in their careers - much like we hope some of the Sporting KC players are, right? I mean, the original and the sequal had guys like Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, Wesley, Snipes, Dennis Haysbert, Omar Epps and Harry Doyle, among others. Maybe those aren't all first choice leading role guys, but I've certainly enjoyed them in other roles elsewhere.

I'm operating on the assumption that most everyone, if not everyone with a pulse, has seen either one or both of the movies. If you haven't, do so now please. And, don't speak to me until you do.

And, with that, the worst post you're likely to read in the history of soccer blogging (after the jump)...

Indians manager Lou Brown - played by SKC head coach Peter Vermes

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Probably the most obvious of all choices, simply because they were the men at the helm of their respective team, but that's not the only similarity that makes Vermes right for the part of Lou Brown.

Lou wasn't exactly the biggest "players' coach." He would not hesitate to rip into a player for doing something dumb. (see: Willie Mays Hays hitting pop-ups in batting practice.) I imagine Vermes having Kei Kamara give him 20 pushups every time he misses a sitter in front of the net in training. (Really, if you haven't seen the movies, that analogy is lost on you.)

Also, I imagine Vermes is more than capable of the snarky one liners in practice, such as "You may run like Mays. But you hit like shit" and my personal favorite, "Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again" to Ryan Smith when he pulls a clever back heel for a goal from inside the six

Indians play-by-play guy Bob Uecker - played by SKC announcer Dave Borchardt

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Another slightly obvious choice, and mostly based off of a super incredibly awesome persona that I can imagine Dave Borchardt is inside the booth.

Unlike Bob Uecker's character of Harry Doyle in the movie, Dave did not drown himself to incoherency through bottles of whiskey and scotch (that we know of). The months of April, May and June were a terribly rough time to be an SKC fan. Imagine if you had to sit in a booth and talk about such a dross atrocity of a game for 90 minutes. Dave, if you patterned your off-camera activities after Doyle this summer, I ain't mad at ya.

And, sometimes they both say things that just make you laugh, for one reason or another.

Indians catcher Jake Taylor - played by former SKC defender Jimmy Conrad

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The hair, the charisma, the fashion sense, the true grit - just a few things that make Jimmy Conrad the perfect part to play Taylor in the SKC remake.

Taylor was called into the team by Lou Brown from a hotel bed somewhere deep in the heart of Mexico. Jimmy is from California - that's close enough of a similarity to make it work, right?

And, if anybody in the movie is chasing the girl, it's got to be Jimmy, because we all know he's going to get her, and we all want a happy ending.

Indians pitche Eddie Harris - played by former SKC forward Josh Wolff

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Eddie Harris would use anything from Vagisil to Crisco to get more movement on his pitches. Josh Wolff would use anything Vagisil to Crisco to hold his hair back in waves and keep it looking luxurious.

Harris put in an all-time clutch performance against the Yankees in the one-game playoff to end the first movie. Wolff headed home an all-time clutch 97th minute winner against Houston Dynamo late in the 2010 season. Each are well capable of late-season heroics.

Indians pitcher Ricky Vaughn - played by SKC midfielder Craig Rocastle

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Rocastle didn't find SKC by way of the California Penal League like Charlie Sheen's character found these Indians, but based on his aggressive, physical play of the 2010 season's first couple of months, it's a wonder if he didn't come from the English Grenada (riiiiiiiiight) prison syetem.

Rocastle earned himself four yellow cards and a red before the 4th of July in his first season with the team - a disciplinary record Vaughn would be proud of. They may look nothing alike, but neither are afraid to get ejected just to spite you.

Inidians thirdbaseman Roger Dorn - played by SKC rightback Michael Harrington

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The first thing anyone should notice about these two is the beautiful blonde locks atop each of their heads. The glaring difference? Dorn was vastly overrated and overvalued. Harrington's value in 2010 is immeasurable. Please re-sign him quick, Vermes.

And, if there were any character in Major League that would be duped into doing a photo shoot for a magazine, (just to get the publicity in Dorn's case) it would absolutely be the image-conscious, pretty boy, 401k-building Roger Dorn.

Can't you imagine Jimmy Conrad coming to Harrington's house and telling him he'll cut his balls off in front of his wife?

Indians rightfielder Pedro Cerrano - played by SKC midfielder Stephane Auvray

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Assistant Coach: "Must be Cerrano. Defected from Cuba, wanted religious freedom."
Lou Brown: "What's his religion?"
Assitant coach:
"Voodoo."

Auvray is from Guadeloupe, and of anyone on the SKC roster, has the most "Carribean flavor" going on, just like Pedro. If you asked someone completely unfamiliar with Sporting KC who would be most likely to sacrifice a shot of rum to a voodoo statue pre-game, or a live chicken in the locker room before the biggest game of the season, Auvray would be the overwhelming choice.

Good luck convincing Stephane to give up the dreads, though.

Indians centerfielder Willie 'Mays' Hayes - played by SKC forward Ryan Smith

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Speed and a tad bit of flash in their games is what makes Smith the perfect choice to play Hayes.

Hayes made the team by showing up to Spring Training (uninvited), being thrown out at night while sleeping, then joining the sprint line and blowing by two other players mid-race. Smith, never before heard of by 99 percent of SKC fans, came to KC last year and ran right past the league's leftbacks with the same ease Hayes stole bases for the Tribe.

And, if there were any player on the team that could get too big for the sequel (see, also: outperform MLS and jump back across the pond), it's Smith. Hayes was played by Wesley Snipes in the original film, and Omar Epps in the sequel.

And, the characters appearing only in the sequel...

Indians catcher Rube Baker - played by SKC forward Kei Kamara

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There is no one more perfect to play the part of the guy that has nothing but infinite love for the game that has made him a professional athlete. Baker's exuberance and affinity for saying the silly thing also fits Kei's SKC Twitter king status.

Perhaps the thing that ties the two together most, though, is their inability to perform the simplest of tasks for their respective positions - Baker's inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher from the plate, and Kei's aforementioned missed sitter from the goal line. They really are a perfect match.

I just wonder how Kei would sound delivering the "women - you can't live with 'em, and they can't pee standin' up" line.

Indians leftfielder Taka Tanaka - played by SKC forward Sunil Chhetri

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And, it's not just because they're both Asian, either. Having never actually seen Chhetri in person from less than a few hundred feet away, I imagine him as a bit of a quirky guy known to do outlandish things - Tanaka's M.O.

Okay, actually a lot of it is because they're both Asian. Chhetri only appeared in two games (neither of which were in the league) in 2010. So, really, what do we have to go by on him?

I will say this, though: if Chhetri were to ever tell Stephane Auvray "You have no... you have no... [looks in translation book] ...marbles! You have no marbles!" then he would absolutely be my favorite SKC player ever.

Indians catcher Jack Parkman - played by former SKC defender Pablo Escobar

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Every movie has the generic asshole character that nobody likes, but is always supremely talented. Parkman was that guy in the movie sequel. Escobar was that guy in KC in 2010, except without the supremely talented part.

Escobar, by all accounts, was somewhat difficult for teammates to get along with, due to lack of communication abilities, among other things. Parkman was just a huge prick to teammates because that's the kind of guy he was.

The best thing Parkman did for the Tribe was get himself traded for Tanaka. Escobar's best contribution to the 2010 Wizards, other than getting cut after seven appearances? A public service for women everywhere not appreciative of rape. Well done, Pablo. Former Chiefs running back Larry Johnson would not approve, though.

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So, there you have it - the 2010 and/or 2011 Kansas City Wizards/Sporting Kansas City players and team personnel as characters from my favorite sports movie(s) ever - Major League and Major League II. Thoughts? Agree with who I choose? Think it should have been someone else? Feel free to share below.
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