Signs Of The May 21, 2011 Rapture From Sporting KC

Seattle Sounders forward Fredy Montero - what a fitting picture. Hide yo kids, hide yo wife.

When a team is in an extended period of poor play and overall funk, a fan can only take so much. Some may dream of a day when their team returns to its rightful (in their mind) place of glory within the sport. While others may waver on that commitment they one day made to their beloved team. In an extreme case, a fan may even wish that there team disappear from the face of the Earth, period. Well, for those of you that may fall into that last category, rejoice, for the Great Rapture of 2011 is immediately upon us.

It's Judgment Day all around the world, and Sporting Kansas City are just not living up to preseason expectations. When the Heavenly Father himself returns to the planet at some point on this Saturday evening, you can piss and moan that you didn't get to hang around long enough to see the opening of LIVESTRONG Sporting Park on June, or that your last months were spent watching a team plummet to bottom of the Major League Soccer standings, or that you never got to see the United States National Team in Kansas City on June 14. But, there is one thing we do have to be thankful for: our boys will no longer be in Seattle, that gawd awful place.

But, how do you know it's really coming? I'm so glad you happened to ask that. And now, The Daily Wiz brings you:

You know the rapture has hit Sporting KC when...

... Chance Myers gets in the game, and continues his recent reserve league form with the first team. "Macho Man" Randy Savage has already been made the number one overall selection of the Rapture Draft on Friday afternoon. Now, it's time for this number overall pick from the 2008 MLS SuperDraft to live up to similar billing. We all know the Macho Man will do so.

... head coach Peter Vermes actually listens to me (yeah right) and starts bruising midfielders Stephane Auvray and Craig Rocastle together at the same time, which would possibly even lead to a Sporting victory.

... Seattle Sounders fans don't get into a pissing match with Sporting KC fans on Twitter as some point during the day. They did invent soccer, after all. You shall respect and thank them.

... leftback Roger Espinoza doesn't get stared down for at least one brash tackle on a Sounders player.

... Sounders fans don't yell "Sounders" repeatedly in succession for 75 percent of the game and claim it to be a "song." Seriously, they do.

... centerback Aurelien Collin doesn't look sexy as f*ck from the first to final whistles. Seriously, he's a bad*ss motherf*cker. But, does that make him sexy? You're damn right it does. Oh, and yeah, it does. Baller.

... forward Kei Kamara comes out with a new hair du that looks like the roots of his hair are infected with a nasty, flesh-eating disease, as told by James Starritt at training on Thursday. Oh, wait; you mean it's already started?

... Sounders forward Fredy Montero doesn't rape someone pre- or postgame. C U Next Tuesday.

... Sporting KC score their own goal(s). Seriously, it's been two and a half games (200-plus minutes) since a Sporting player last scored. It's not just the defense, guys.

... Sporting KC keep a clean sheet for the first time this season. They've held only two opponents to even just one goal.

... Sporting KC connect on even a handful of crosses in the game. Without official numbers from Opta, (*cough cough*) one would have to imagine they are the worst crossing team in the league. One goal this season has come off a completed cross, when CJ Sapong connected with Kamara against Vancouver Whitecaps, and even that was on a counter attack.

... Sporting KC pull a shock result from this game and take home either one or three points. We say it has no chance of happening, so of course they'll do it. Whatever, more power to 'em.

Wait, Sporting KC are not going anywhere. It's the good people that will be leaving us. It's those of us terrible souls that either, 1) do not pass judgment with passable play on the field, or 2) further support such a struggling team. Welp, guess that means we're stuck watching this forever. At least it's not "Groundhog's Day" (the movie), right? Or, is that what all of this has become?. Come on, boys; get us out of this torturous, yet temporary soccer hell.

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