This is inspired by the recent collective epiphany here at The Blue Testament that Jacob Peterson really is simply Peter Vermes's mascot, and that as such, I realized I should be including him in my writing much more often. I will readily admit that I cannot top the comic genius exhibited by one Mr. Will McDonald in his letters home by Mitch Maier from summer baseball camp, but I think my book reports by Jake Peterson will be good for a guffaw or three. Please Enjoy.
"A Christmas Carol" Book Report, by Jake Peterson
I was assigned to read Charles Dickens's novel "A Christmas Carol" by Mr. Vermes's junior high English class. It is about a grumpy old man who vaguely resembles our school district superintendent, Mr. Garber, except that this guy seems much less stingy with his gold doubloons.
I was super excited to learn that I was in the book as Mr. Garber's old business partner, Jacob Marley, even though Chance tried to tell me Marley's first name really is "Bob." I was so excited that, as I read this book while sitting on the bench during our last soccer game, I jumped up and ran straight onto the field. Mr. Vermes is also our school soccer coach, and he yelled at me never to do it again, but I saw him wink at me when he did. I think he likes it when I sprint onto the field after he tells me it's time for me to play.
So, after I appear in the book and turn it into a super awesomesauce ghost story, three more ghosts follow me. Which I found odd, because I thought three was the most you could change in a starting lineup, and with me, that would be four. Maybe Mr. Vermes changed the rules so that I could appear. He's so thoughtful like that. But I'm also not sure that Charles Dickens understands the rules.
The first ghost that appeared to Mr. Garber was the ghost of
Soccer Christmas Past. Since Charles Dickens does not name any of the ghosts besides me (am I really that important? Gosh, I hope so), for the sake of this report, I will refer to this ghost as Mr. Preki. Mr. Preki took Mr. Garber on a series of visions of his past, including Mr. Preki's own super ridiculous skills on the soccer field, including a game winning goal against Brazil. I hope I get to score against Brazil one day.
Mr. Preki disappeared, though, and was replaced by another ghost who looked a lot like Graham: long hair, beard, everything. Except there was a whole feast that came with this ghost, and Graham only eats kale, oatmeal, and wheat germ because his other teacher, Mr. Klinsmann, told him to. Graham showed Mr. Garber how important Christmas is now.
But Graham was only around for a little while before he told Mr. Garber that he (Graham) was going to have to be substituted. Usually, that's where Mr. Vermes tells me to get ready to go, but instead, the final ghost appeared in what was clearly a Grim Reaper Halloween costume. I am unsure of what literary intent Charles Dickens had behind conflating the two of the most awesome holidays of the year, because if the final ghosts's robe had been red, white, and blue, then I think Dickens would have nailed the holiday trifecta.
But Mr. Garber was clearly scared by this final ghost, even after he discovers that it is all a dream when he woke up in his bed surrounded by his gold doubloons. So he decided to share more of his gold doubloons with students like me, but not too many, because otherwise he said our school district would lose too much money. I don't know what he means by that, I get spending money from my parents every week, and Mr. Vermes always gives me a tenner for bringing him lunch in the cafeteria every day.
I hope I get an A for this book report. Mr. Vermes always gives me an A for effort.
JAKE (sorry, I couldn't resist. -DY)